Moe, Larry, and Jesus...

 

Sometimes my Dad and I would watch TV preachers, just for the pure, over-the-top, awesomeness of it all.

He called Robert Schuller “Old Smiley” because the good reverend always looked like he was just so damn pleased to be breathing air and passing the plate. Jimmy Swagart was the crier, especially so after he got caught in a motel room with a hooker doing the exact things that he was yelling at sinners about up until he got busted himself. But I liked stronger fare...Kathrine Kulman and her miracles...she was full blown batshit crazy. The Reverend Ike was cool with all his diamond rings and bling. I was a big fan of Jim and Tammy Faye and their buddies, Jan and Paul Crouch too. Tammy and Jan both had serious big hair and waterworks to shame any colic-addled newborn. Both had two inch talons that put their eyes at risk as they constantly dabbed at their tears. Brave girls.

Whenever I heard: “Komo Badde Soto Ha!” I knew Robert Tilton was in the house and speaking in tongues. I loved that, and his act too. He didn't preach so much as just ask for money. That was the way to show God your faith, by sending your money to Robert Tilton. He, like the others, became a multimillionaire and also like most of the others, was arrested for fraud multiple times.

Ernest Angley could slap the sick out of anyone and Peter Popoff's holy water cured poverty and anything else you need it to do. A WD40 cocktail with a Jesus twist.

Some of the newer crop of preachers are less about being carnival barkers and more about self improvement though, as if Tony Robbins partnered up with Jesus. Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer are two with huge followings. The money still only flows one way though and both are millionaires many times over...tax free, thank you. Oh, and Joyce claims that people should avoid the use of reason, especially young people...it confuses them.

She obviously avoided her own use of reason when it came to facial surgery, she looks like a surprised Trigger fish these days.

But the new guys are generally not as much fun and I miss the days of a Nehru-jacketed Benny Hinn knocking down whole rows of worshipers with just a swipe of his hands in their direction. That's powerful stuff. And Pastor Hagee needs a better gimmick, being a lard bucket full of hate just isn't entertaining enough, lets see some good old forehead slapping, wheelchair scraping, arm flapping convulsions...now that's what real healing is all about!