Sunday, May 23, 2021

Hulls..




 

The road to Hulls starts off with a generic fifteen-minute drive down Interstate 95. Then the “Old Dixie Highway/Tomoka State Park” exit takes us through a 2,000-acre Florida State Park located along the Tomoka River, three miles north of Ormond Beach. Majestic oaks draped in Spanish Moss interlace their fingers overhead forming a tunnel of shade mixed with bright flashes of sunlight. God’s strobe lights. Twenty minutes later, the road opens up to a neighborhood strung along the intercoastal waterway. Take a right turn one block before the bridge to go straight into the parking lot behind Hulls.


Broiled Rock shrimp, lightly battered and fried soft-shell crabs, sautéed zucchini & summer squash, corn fritters that are crispy on the outside but still dangerously hot on the inside. Break them open and blow. Cold sweet tea made fresh with real sugar.

An excellent seafood store next door offers piles of fish that were swimming earlier in the day. Live lobster tanks, cold and dark, paper bags half full of mean blue crabs ready to pinch the hell out of your finger if you aren’t careful, live soft-shell crabs with eyes on retractable stalks…

All of it is my vision of heaven. When I die, I want my ashes scattered here, maybe into dirt at the base of the palm trees by the back deck, so my ashes won’t blow onto that platter of fresh Mahi that’s going by. 

It’s already grilled to perfection, doesn’t need to be blackened by me. 

I probably wouldn’t taste so great.





Saturday, May 22, 2021

Old Grandpa...

 


I’m old for a first time Grandpa. 

Most people my age have multiple grandkids, many already grown. So I’m learning stuff that most of my peers have known forever.

Like the fact that a two-year-old changes, evolves substantially, every day. Visibly, yes definitely, but even more so with what comes out of his mouth, and the mystery of where he heard it.

We were sitting at the table having  lunch when Wilder told Ruth that he had a hangnail. He’s suddenly become very concerned about hangnails. Then he threw his hands in the air, palms up and asked of no one in particular: “wha you gonna do?”. That was a first, out of nowhere. At breakfast, he looked at his diced-up pancake, carefully picking up a piece and dipping it in his side cup of Maple syrup before putting it into his mouth and declaring “Man, that’s good!” Again, a first from this kid just learning how to speak in ways that other humans can even understand.

Later, after Andrew took a bite of something, he paused and said “man that’s good!” so at least we know where Wilder got that one. Unless Andrew got it from him…It’s a chicken or the egg conundrum.

Wilder and I often played Hide and Seek when I was there. He hides in plain sight, believing that if he can’t see anyone, we can’t see him. We walk around asking each other “Where’s Wilder” and agreeing that he must be lost. I changed it up and began to insist that it was actually the dog, Lilly, that was lost. Lilly was who we were looking for, and I had a pocket full of (imaginary) dog treats to feed her.

From the blanket mound, Wilder would quietly say: “dog treats” and stick a pink palm out from under the comforter where he was hidden. I swished my fingers around in his hand “Here’s the dog treats! You must be really hungry!” He would pull his hand back in to eat them all undercover as I scratched his head through the blanket “Lilly sure likes to have her head scratched!” I’d say. He would just giggle with his clever deception.

Back at home yesterday, I told Ruth that I miss them all, but Wilder I miss the most. I’ve surprised myself with just how much.

Like most old people, I decided long ago who’s who and what’s what in this world. When you’re two years old, that stuff is all new, and the possibilities are endless.

I find it charming and enviable. Artists spend entire careers trying to get back to that place.

Then, when you’re really old, you do return. Like my dad, a highly educated man, said to me when he was in his late 80’s: “ You know, Hugh, the older I’ve gotten, the more I realize that I know nothing at all.”

I’m starting to agree. 

Just throw a blanket over my head and I’ll be happy.


Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Travel In Place...

 

When I saw your Instagram post, some 35 years stepped out of the line behind me when I turned around to look.  There you were in the yard with Ohio..

Lying in the front yard of our Ashburn cabin, reading to Ohio as she stands guard. One of my favorite early pictures of you. When Carla told me that she planned to homeschool, my own very traditional upbringing made that sound like telling me that you were going into astronaut training. But in those days, my job was my job, Carla ruled at home. The only caveat I had was that you learn to be an excellent reader and writer. I knew those things could take you anywhere you wanted to go. We lived in the country, no TV, no peer pressure, you probably watched “Pete’s Dragon” on the VCR a thousand times or more. Books were your main vehicle for travel beyond the house though. You spent hours in a booth at Friendly’s Ice Cream parlor with armloads of books from the library, you and Carla reading to each other and to Hannah when she came along. Of course your first audience was Ohio the Wonder Dog, both of you sprawled out in the mottled sun. It was a perfect time, one of many to come. 


Moe, Larry, and Jesus...

 


Sometimes my Dad and I would watch TV preachers, just for the pure, over-the-top, awesomeness of it all.

He called Robert Schuller “Old Smiley” because the good reverend always looked like he was just so damn pleased to be breathing air and passing the plate. Jimmy Swagart was the crier, especially so after he got caught in a motel room with a hooker doing the exact things that he was yelling at sinners about up until he got busted himself. But I liked stronger fare...Kathrine Kulman and her miracles...she was full blown batshit crazy. The Reverend Ike was cool with all his diamond rings and bling. I was a big fan of Jim and Tammy Faye and their buddies, Jan and Paul Crouch too. Tammy and Jan both had serious big hair and waterworks to shame any colic-addled newborn. Both had two inch talons that put their eyes at risk as they constantly dabbed at their tears. Brave girls.

Whenever I heard: “Komo Badde Soto Ha!” I knew Robert Tilton was in the house and speaking in tongues. I loved that, and his act too. He didn't preach so much as just ask for money. That was the way to show God your faith, by sending your money to Robert Tilton. He, like the others, became a multimillionaire and also like most of the others, was arrested for fraud multiple times.

Ernest Angley could slap the sick out of anyone and Peter Popoff's holy water cured poverty and anything else you need it to do. A WD40 cocktail with a Jesus twist.

Some of the newer crop of preachers are less about being carnival barkers and more about self improvement though, as if Tony Robbins partnered up with Jesus. Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer are two with huge followings. The money still only flows one way though and both are millionaires many times over...tax free, thank you. Oh, and Joyce claims that people should avoid the use of reason, especially young people...it confuses them.

She obviously avoided her own use of reason when it came to facial surgery, she looks like a surprised Trigger fish these days.

But the new guys are generally not as much fun and I miss the days of a Nehru-jacketed Benny Hinn knocking down whole rows of worshipers with just a swipe of his hands in their direction. That's powerful stuff. And Pastor Hagee needs a better gimmick, being a lard bucket full of hate just isn't entertaining enough, lets see some good old forehead slapping, wheelchair scraping, arm flapping convulsions...now that's what real healing is all about!



Dale, the Gator Guy..

 





Whenever I took the dogs out walking recently, we spotted an alligator down by the edge of the lake just behind our back fence, so I called the state alligator hotline, and they called Dale.

He caught two alligators in less than ten minutes.

Carla told me that she saw his truck out front, parked on the swale, so I went out the back way, down to the lake. I wanted to show Dale where the gator hangs out. He needed my input.

But Dale was already out there, straddling an alligator, taping its mouth shut with black electrical tape.

He looked up at me, asking: “Did you know there were two? See that guy out there? He’s bigger. ”

Sure enough, I saw the other one in the water about 40 feet away. With the first one secure in the grass, Dale went into action. Using a fishing pole with heavy line, and a lead-weighted, three-hook barb on the business end, he cast out beyond the second alligator, reeling in the line… fast.

Gator kept swimming but I thought it odd that he didn’t dive or swim away but rather, headed straight toward us. “It’s the barking dogs he’s after.” Dale said.

My two little yappers and my neighbor’s big guns, a Rottweiler, and a large, spotted mix, were all yelling their heads off, at us, and at the first gator, still struggling on the ground.

I remembered hearing that a big gator had taken an older dog from its yard one night, just a little farther down the lake from where are. He rolled around with that poor mangled dog, in the center of the lake for a few days before Dale, or another trapper, got him.

Now, our barking dogs were like Sirens, calling #2 into the danger zone.

Dale hustled to cast his line out two more times and was quickly able to snag the second gator by the tail. Lots of practice there.

Thrashing and rolling, Dale pulled on him like a saltwater fisherman with a shark. He asked me to hand him his catch pole, took it, and with the gator up close to the bank, Dale asked me if I would be OK with holding his fishing pole, now bent double and whipping the air. Trusting that Dale knew what he was doing, I was game to grab the pole as Dale put a foot in the water and rapidly noosed the second gator, pulling him up onto the bank. With a roll of black electrical tape between his teeth Dale dropped down onto the back of the animal and waited for just the right moment to clamp those gaping, open jaws, shut.

A quick cowboy loop of the tape, and #2 was a good as toast.

Following along behind as Dale pulled parallel dinosaurs back up the hill between our yards to where his truck was parked, I asked questions.

How many removals so far? “Probably more than 1,000.”

You sell them? “Yes, mainly the meat. These two aren’t very big, I’ll get around $60. each. I enjoy it. I don’t do it for the money.”

Back at the truck, Dale put the culprits in a holding cage as I asked if he had ever been bitten. Holding out his scared left hand for closer inspection, Dale said that he had let himself get distracted for just a second one time, and that was all it took for a gator to grab his hand. Knowing how important it was to prevent the dreaded alligator roll that so effectively removes hands and feet, maybe a leg from a big dog, Dale clutched the gator in a bear hug from behind. With a bite strength of 2,980PSI, almost three times that of a lion, tiger, or hyena, Dale called his friend over to try to pry open the jaws. Normally, that is just not possible unless you kill the animal first. That requires a well-aimed shot to the back of the head in a very specific place, something you can’t pull off when you are hugging the beast. But as fate would have it, that gator was missing a front tooth. The gap was where they were able to shove an aluminum pole halfway down the gator gullet, forcing him to tap-out and open up.

By that time, the EMT guys were there and spent the first twenty minutes washing and disinfecting the badly punctured hand and almost severed little finger. The cleaning was repeated in the ER. Infection is the real culprit with alligator bites.

“Flesh eating amoebas” Dale said.

Dale healed up and went right back into the danger zone that he so loves. His big regret was that he had ducked out on his seven-year-old grandson this time. “That boy loves to hunt gators with me. He’s fearless. He’s going to be mad at his Grandpa!”

Nope, the apple doesn’t fall far, even if it lands by a lake with hungry gators in it, eager to take your hand home for dinner.

Thanks Dale! I’ve seen videos of alligators climbing chain-link fences like ours. The dogs and I will sleep better now…

 



Rain Day...










 

I love a rain day.

It’s my excuse to stay home and take a break. After so much staying home and taking a Covid break for more than a year now, I need a vacation. So while Carla and the dogs pretend to be asleep, because they know I want something (not the same something), I bumble about in my Astral Plane..

 

 









Library Book Cover...

 

 

It was a beautiful day for a long dog walk at Moses Creek Park. On the way back home we stopped at the library so Carla could run in and pick up our completed taxes from the guy who had been working on them.

As I sat in the shade with the dogs, a man walked up close by who appeared to be homeless. His clothes were torn; he was unshaven and disheveled.

There are homeless camps in the woods around here and I assumed the sack he was carrying held the valuables that he didn't feel safe leaving behind when he went out. But he bent over just to my left, opened the sack and poured out fresh corn and sunflower seed on the sidewalk. The ducks came running, obviously very familiar with his routine.

He left almost immediately. I heard a car door slam behind me and watched him in my rearview mirror as he drove away in his new Lexus.

It's true that you can't judge a book by its cover, but at first that may be all we have to go on.

I felt a little bad about my assumptions, but I felt good about him and I was happy for the ducks and the cleanup crew of squirrels that came in after the ducks got bored and waddled back into the pond.




Sunset Grille...

 






Today's post in "Auggie's Fresh or Frightening Food Reviews"...

---------------------------------

A FRESH afternoon at Sunset Grill…

It was a gorgeous sun-drenched day here in old St. Auggie yesterday: high 70’s, low 80’s. A great time to take the top off the Jeep and go out for an early dinner at Sunset Grill.

We arrived at exactly 4pm, right when the top deck opened up.

High-backed booths offer both privacy and proper distancing. Sitting unmasked, we didn’t want to catch cooties from anyone else, or to give any of ours away. Even with open views out to the ocean, it’s still cozy.

We like Sunset for its beach setting, full bar, and a menu with so many great dishes it’s hard to decide just what to get. I wanted about ten different things.

But I started with the important stuff, a Tito’s with lime in the company of a tall, local blond, a beautiful IPA.

The Crab & Artichoke Bisque is a must have for me, very Artichokey (is that a word?), thick and delicious.

Sunset Oysters are my favorite, hot from the broiler, topped with fresh spinach, artichokes, crabmeat and three cheeses. I get broiled oysters anywhere we go that offers them, and certainly there are many variations, but these are simply the best. I lick and suck the shells. It’s disgusting but Tito told me not to worry about it, and the private booth encouraged me.

Carla didn’t care that I was eating like a savage, She was too carried away with a mouthful of Lobster Mac & Cheese to say anything. After all, with 4 cheeses, penne pasta, toasted breadcrumbs, and lots of lobster, there was little use for talk right then.

Homemade Key Lime pie, tart & creamy.

With the afternoon sunshine so hot it nipped the skin, breezes that carried a light scent of salt and shellfish, Ry Cooder playing slide as we drove, the intoxicating company of a woman I’ve been crazy about for more than 45 years (and still want another 45)…it was almost perfect, almost.

Then a late lunch at Sunset Grill kicked it all up into the epic zone to achieve…

Perfection!

Thanks for being you, Sunset Grill. It’s no wonder that you’ve been so popular here, for more than 30 years.

We’ll see you again soon, (I need more of those oysters!)




 


 

He knew the moment belonged to him. Everyone would finally see the true king of the fountain.

And so it was, for 87 seconds straight.

Generations yet unborn will whisper in awe. "87 seconds!" They'll say. "Hard to believe..."

"The king of kings!"

 


Empty Nest...

 







 

Empty Nest Syndrome is real…

Many generations of House Wrens have lived with us. Their nests the unmolested memories peeking out from hiding places throughout our great room.

Twigs stick from the windows of a red caboose, a toy wooden train that motors across the doorway between the great room and kitchen, a perfect ride. One nest sits comfortably in the lap of a stuffed brown monkey looking down from a high shelf.

The latest occupants moved into a bookshelf, just behind a copy of a book about The Boston Massacre.

When I opened the doors to the backyard each morning, the mom flew out, dad flew in, with a bug. They shared feeding duties. If I failed to open up first thing, they scolded me harshly, flying through the house, letting me know of their displeasure.

They had been particularly active in the last week, zooming in and out every few minutes. Like most teenagers, their big kids seemed to be hungry all the time.

I stayed alert, not wanting the dogs to get to any chicks when it was time for them to leave the nest.

That’s what happened yesterday afternoon. I heard Chicca making noises in the great room. She had one bird cornered behind a large chest my Grandfather had made. Grabbing him gently, I put him outside atop a thick growth of Jasmine on the fence. Mom & Pop Wren supervised. Over the next hour, three more young Wrens managed to get themselves stuck somewhere inside. I helped each one make a gentle exit.

By dusk, there was no more activity. All birds had shown that they could fly. Like any new drivers, they just needed a help at first.

Sitting on the couch a bit later, a sound in the corner over by the outside doors got me wondering if we had missed one last chick. Could there have been five?

Upon investigation, we found a little garter snake, hanging out under the window where the birds had first flown, probably entertaining fantasies of a live Turkey dinner.

No such luck for him. I put him outside too.

This morning it seems awfully quiet in here. It’s starting to get hot so it’s good to be able to close the outside doors and be able to turn on the AC as needed, but yes, it’s a little too quiet and we already look forward to hosting a new crop of aviary entertainers next Spring.

 

 

 

 





Tuesday, May 18, 2021

Momma, Poppa, and a Banana...

 

 

It had been a long, exhausting day, for young Wilder. So many activities, so many family members to interact with. 

He was fresh from his bath. tired, cranky and ready for bed.

But no, we had to parade him out for yet one last picture.

He was determined to be stinky. Zero cooperation.

But when I insisted that this would be a picture of "Poppa, Momma, and a Banana" he started to crack. He knew he was not a Banana, and that Grandpa had a screw loose.

Against his better judgement, he began to let the hint of a smile boil to the surface of his hard heart, as his mouth fought a battle to remain stern and joyless.

But it was not to be.

Abandoning all efforts to be upset, he turned into his Momma with laughter as she assured him that he wasn't a banana, and that yes, Grandpa is a very silly man.



 


Monday, May 17, 2021

Heaven...

 



 

Thursday night treat from Hannah & Nathan. He knows where to get the freshest fish in San Diego. All my very favorite things:

Toro, Bluefin Tuna, Salmon and Uni...Sushi & Sashimi

Scallops w/mushroom

Rice, Nori & Veggie straws for rolling

Coconut Aminos, Slivered Ginger, Wasabi

Avocado salad

A cold IPA, local brewery

Warm chocolate chip cookies made that morning by the bread lady. Text your order, ETA, and come pick up the brown paper bag with your name in front of her house, out by the gate.

Heaven is real

 


Friday, May 7, 2021

I'm sorry that you hurt.

 

Don't mistake my silence for dismissal.

My lack of engagement for apathy.

I'm sorry that you hurt.

I wish I could carry some of that for you, give you a rest.

But you're hidden away, immersed in dark battles.

I look forward to seeing you outside, in the sunshine again, sitting on the stoop.

Smiling with that,

Knowing it is more than enough for right now.

 


Ant Lions!

 




  

Chica stopped, her quivering wet nose pressed hard against a clump of weeds, insisting that a straw cowlick sticking up from the swale in front of Muumuu lady’s house, give up its information. That once blue house, now exfoliating faded blue paint chips flaking outward, ready to be plucked, stacked, and packed in a Pringles can of lead-based treats.

In our 16 years on this street, I had only seen her come out of the house a few times, when she put out her trash in the morning. Always in that same Muumuu, hunched over as if to minimize her profile, a stealth land Manatee draped in faded Hibiscus. She glides more than walks. A mystery lady, who I later met on trash day when the dogs were taking me for a walk. Bright and friendly, a reader and ex-schoolteacher, she was inexplicably apologetic about the status of her anemic, weed clustered lawn. I assured her that mine was worse. Florida is not lawn friendly.

Three black and white cats lounged comfortably in easy contortions, sunshine magnets on her front steps. They’re so used to seeing me pull Chicca past them, blustering with “just let me at them” bravado while conveniently restrained by her leash, that they don’t even look up. One sits with her back to us, oblivious to Chicca’s empty threats. It’s a cat version of giving a dog the finger. It really pisses Chicca off.

Out on the swale, Chicca gathered all the information she needed to identify the gender, age, diet and general health of the last several dogs who had recently paused at that spot, and to gulp down several sandy cat turds before I could stop her.

Broad patches of sand, weeds and grass under my feet, were sprinkled liberally with cones.

Cones were everywhere in the open sand.

The entire swale was follically challenged, covered with a grassy version of male pattern baldness. Mostly weeds pretending to be grass really, interspersed with sandy bald spots.

The entire area was pockmarked like Seal’s cheeks, minus the money, models, and voice. Cones were everywhere.

Antlions!

I smiled at the memory of their ancestors, flourishing in the sandy dirt between the boxwood bushes surrounding grandma’s screen porch. Instantly taken back to my nine-year-old self, kneeling over a particularly large antlion cone, the hot summer sun scorching my back as a million cicadas screamed in unison, drunk in the thick humidity with their own need for love.

I was too busy to notice, looking for a fat red ant to feed to the lion.

Now they had followed me through 60 years, from Virginia to Florida, dying their hair blue and looking for sandy fun in the sun., just like me.

----------------------------------------------------

Antlions are known for the fiercely predatory habits of their larvae, which dig pits to trap passing ants or other prey. They are sometimes referred to as doodlebugs due to the odd winding, spiraling trails they leave in the sand while relocating. It looks like someone has been doodling there.

They most commonly occur in dry and sandy habitats where the larvae can easily excavate their pits.

For these trap-forming ambush predators, catching prey is risky because food arrives unpredictably, so the larvae have low metabolic rates and can survive for long periods without food.

Antlion larva eat small arthropods – mainly ants. The larva is a voracious predator. Within a few minutes of seizing prey with its jaws and injecting it with venom and enzymes (think MSG and meat tenderizer), it begins to suck the juice out of that thing as if it were a ripe Valencia recently plucked from a sweltering Valencia grove.

When It’s happy with the hood, an antlion larva starts to crawl backwards, using its abdomen as a plough to shovel up the soil. Using one front leg, it places consecutive heaps of loosened particles upon its head, then with a quick jerk, throws each little pile clear of the cone. As it slowly moves round and round, the pit gradually gets deeper and deeper, until the slope reaches the steepest angle the sand can maintain, on the verge of collapse from slight disturbance and the pit is solely lined by fine grains.

When the pit is completed, the larva settles down at the bottom, buried in the soil with only the jaws projecting above the surface, often in a wide-opened position on either side of the very tip of the cone. The steep-sloped trap that guides prey into the larva's mouth while avoiding crater avalanches is one of the simplest and most efficient traps in the animal kingdom. The fine grain lining ensures that the avalanches which carry prey are as large as possible. The sides of the pit consist of loose sand, making an insecure foothold for any small insects that inadvertently ventures over the edge. Slipping to the bottom, the prey is immediately seized by the lurking antlion; if it attempts to scramble up the treacherous walls of the pit, it is speedily checked in its efforts and brought down by showers of loose sand which are thrown at it from below by the larva. By throwing up loose sand from the bottom of the pit, the larva also undermines the sides of the pit, causing them to collapse and bring down the prey with them.

I no longer care to gather around a mini coliseum to watch the sacrifice of innocents. In my neutrality, I wish both the lions and ants a good day, as Chica and I head for home.

Approaching our front door, I was still hovering over an antlion cone in sandy soil, flanked by boxwood bushes surrounding my grandmother’s screen porch on a very humid summer day, many years ago.

 


Thursday, May 6, 2021

My Name is Maverick...I Am A Foodaholic...

 


Throwback...2017

At the annual “Taste of St Augustine” and 5K event today, I managed to inhale too many samplers in a disgustingly brief amount of time. Roasted Parmesan oysters, grilled curried squid on a stick, a homemade Key Lime popsicle.

A forgettable band made up for their lack of talent with sheer volume and familiarity, playing Allman Brothers classics and monster hits of the 80’s. Carla had gotten her pulled pork slider and a few broiled Sea Scallops with Aioli. Both are favorites of hers.

After two hours of wallowing in an excess of food, music and crowds packed like a overbooked United flight, I needed to get the hell out of there. We were both ready to break camp and head home.

Then she reached into her top pocked and pulled out another red ticket. “One more!” she said. This was carnival style, you get tickets from the main booth on the way in, to buy stuff. Naturally I couldn’t just walk away with an unspent ticket, I’m not going to throw money away, right? So I bought three more. That was exactly what I needed to get a Tuna Tartare on a mini soft-taco with a spoon of coleslaw for crunch and a squirt of some Tahini/Miso white sauce.

There was no more room at the Inn, but I squeezed in another lodger anyway.

Then I REALLY had to get out of there.

I asked Carla to take the back way home. She had insisted on driving. “Um…OK! you drive” Since I’ve always been the one to drive, she thinks I’m doing her a favor. She’s eager for an excuse to drive her new little Honda Fit. With her favorite CD from The Band, “The Last Waltz” in her player ever since she bought the car four months ago, Carla cranked up the tunes. She knows every word, sung or spoken, and stares at me as she regurgitates them animatedly into my left ear while driving at least twenty over the limit. Swerving, gesturing, lost in her wild serenade, I’m the only one watching the road. I try to point out potential disasters, yelling over Levon’s drums and Garth’s organ runs, suggesting urgent and immediate preventative actions that may keep us out of the trunk of the guy in front of us. But really, she’s the one doing me a favor whenever I can overcome concerns for my life. Being driven is a luxury I can wallow in. Anyway, by taking the back road we would just happen to pass the new food truck owned by my friend Mike.

He smokes up the best brisket this side of Texas.

I thought it only made sense to get some provisions to take home, you know? And so we did.

Leaving the BBQ place and turning South on the highway home, we barely traveled two blocks before spotting a large refrigerated truck sitting on the corner of the Dollar Store parking lot. The canvas sign flapping along one side boasted in bright red letters the size of flagstones: LIVE CRAWFISH!

Live crawfish may very well be our favorite thing in the world. Well for me at least. My priorities are: Carla first, Crawfish second. Third place is a toss-up between Chicca, Ruth and Hannah.

Like many guys do with their wives, sometimes I force Carla to wallow in my sick fantasies. I guess that’s just part of being married. “Which is better, a cup of warm lump crab meat, lobster meat, picked Snow crab, fresh Mussels, or crawfish tails? All swimming in butter turned brown by Paul Prudhomme’s Seafood Magic seasoning, of course. “You have to pick. Which is best? Come on, pick one!”

Anyway, with the image of that crawfish sign burning into my head, I obviously had no choice but to tell Carla that it would only make sense to pull a U-turn. We fantasize about when crawfish season starts and had just been talking about ordering 20 pounds from the online vendor who ships them overnight out of Louisiana. We had no reasonable course of action other than to turn around immediately.

So we loaded up on mud bugs.

Once we settled in back home with a three-day supply of Crawfish and brisket, I started to worry about how we were going to be sure to not let the last of my sausage meat loaf go to waste, or the fresh batch of Royal Red shrimp that I had boiled early in the morning, or the Collards with smoked turkey neck.

Too much food and too little time.

Not wanting to stress myself out, I decided to watch an episode of my new favorite show: “Carnival Eats”. The fresh baked apple/cheesecake pie segment was mesmerizing.

My name is Maverick, I’m a foodaholic with a serious

substance abuse problem. The substance being much of the food that I tied off and mainlined today.

I need an intervention.

 



 


Mad Dog Marketing, Ground Zero...

 





See that rectangular building on the horizon between Carla and myself?

Jon and I had an office on the top floor back in 1996. Then and now, the tallest building in St Augustine. Our windows looked out over the iconic Bridge of Lions on the Intracoastal waterway. We ran our business, Mad Dog Marketing out of those 200 sq. feet. A desk and phone for each of us above the oldest continuously occupied European settlement in the USA. (I've been programmed with that spiel by the 30+ years we've lived here. Native Americans may take issue, but we did say European settlement...)

We were in bed with two crazy English millionaires who flew across the pond to bring us a suitcase with $6000 cash in it, once a month. Jon and I split that to hold up our software distribution end of the deal, Mad Dog Marketing, here in the states.

That was a sweet gig.

Our office, there in the old First Union Bank building, was a two-man space that only cost us $225 a month.

Jon and I each had our desks pulled up to one of the two windows. We watched the Bridge open and close for the steady procession of water traffic. Yachts, sailboats, civilian and commercial, shrimp boats with their nets held high, flanking both sides. We watched the cars scurry over to the Island and bottleneck at the base of the bridge as they came back into town, everyone forced to stop when the gates dropped as the bridge opened its mouth for the boats to pass. We sympathized with the occasional windsurfer, struggling to navigate around the pilings under the bridge.

Best views in all of St Augustine.

As soon as our Englishman hit town, they wanted to get out, they thought this town was so hokey. Both lived in expensive London flats. One of them asked “should I bring a banjo next time?" 

They insisted that all of us to fly to Vegas, which we did, so they could have lap dances in the strip clubs. Rich guys married to much younger trophy wives. I asked them, why on earth do you want lap dances when you could just go hire some upscale girl and spend the night?

No answer. They were like little boys away from home being naughty.

I hated it, but that delighted and encouraged them even more, so they paid multiple girls to come lap dance for me, just to see if I would get embarrassed by the attention. They simply never believed that it was possible for a grown man to not to want some woman he doesn't know to grind her barely covered crotch on his ear.

I'm not a prude, I simply thought it was childish and creepy.

Mr. Excitement, I just wanted to back go home, take a sponge bath in Lysol, and hang out on my back deck.

But I admit, I did like the middle-of-the-night slot machines, the sound of the bells designed by experts to please, and the cavernous, calliope of a room, where there was no way to distinguish between 3am and 3pm.

An unending party in a place where time itself had been banished.

But I was always more than pleased to get back to my observation deck at the office, watching the ebb and flow of life, six stories down.



 


 


You’re From Texas…

 





Pardon me stranger I hope there's no danger
You'll think I'm getting off of my range
Oh but I calculate that you're from my state
And though you may think its strange
I allow as how you're from Texas
Because the lingo I understand
I'll bet my cale that you hail from Texas
There's no mistaking the brand
You've got a smile like an acre of sunflower
Your eyes are blue bonnet blue
Shake hands its grand that you're from Texas
Cause I'm from Texas too

You've got a smile like two acres of sunflower
Your eyes are blue bonnet blue
Shake hands its grand that you're from Texas
Cause I'm from Texas too!

Bob Wills, 1942

 


The pool life...one man’s story as an expat in Mexico...

 







Rain Day...








 

I love a rain day.

It’s my excuse to stay home and take a break. After so much staying home and taking a break for more than a year now, I need a vacation. So while Carla and the dogs pretend to be asleep because they know I want something (not the same something)...

I bumble about in my Astral Plane..