Years ago I worked in the
“Special Services” division of an air courier company in Reston,
Va. It was our job to speak with customers after my company had totally
screwed up, or destroyed, their special shipment in some way. Kidneys
intended for immediate transplant would end up in the wrong airports,
rotting away long after the dry ice had melted. Our guys drove a
forklift through the original artwork for the movie “Cocoon”.
Jewelry disappeared; trucks drove over boxes packed with fragile
glassware.
My boss, Brian, was considered to be the best professional liar in our industry. He blamed everything on whatever airline we used to ship the packages. Brian oozed empathy in whispered tones to irate customers... “unbelievable, just unbelievable that Delta Airlines could treat our packages with such disregard...it's disgusting!” This was the 1980's and Brian kept himself supercharged with frequent visits to the men's room where he would snort long lines off of the tank above the commode. He wore very dark glasses all the time and when asked about them, he claimed that he had just been to the eye doctor and had gotten eye drops. We asked about the glasses just to smile at his routine answer. But aside from sincere slime, Brian had special techniques for problem customers who kept on bitching and just wouldn't shut up.
One afternoon Brian was in the zone, taking “Special Services” complaint calls in the next room. These were the calls that everyone else was afraid to handle. Co-workers were in awe of Brian's ability to withstand day after day of threats and verbal abuse. He took it all in stride and saved his very special services for customers who refused to be talked down off of the ledge. A small group of us paused in our scurrying about to watch Brian hold court. He had a particularly nasty customer on the line and showed us just what to do when all else fails. Brian would take the handset from his phone and dangle it by the cord into a round metal trash can while spinning it in circles like a cowboy's lariat. The handset knocked the shit out of the inside of the trash can and made horrible, explosive noises. Periodically he would lift the phone and whisper to the customer “Boy, that storm is terrible! Do you hear that? Just terrible!” Then he would take the phone and turn a little volume dial on the handle up as high as it would go and hold the handset down on his Formica desktop. The sound would “loop” into a high-pitched scream like some woman being stabbed to death on a dark city street. Again, Brian would lift the phone to his lips, “terrible, just terrible”. That particular afternoon the Vice President of the company was in town and was passing by as Brian dripped his poisoned honey into a customer's ear. With a big smile, he gave Brian a hurried “thumbs-up” and an approving nod for his obvious sincerity as he whispered sympathetically to his customer.
I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard.
My boss, Brian, was considered to be the best professional liar in our industry. He blamed everything on whatever airline we used to ship the packages. Brian oozed empathy in whispered tones to irate customers... “unbelievable, just unbelievable that Delta Airlines could treat our packages with such disregard...it's disgusting!” This was the 1980's and Brian kept himself supercharged with frequent visits to the men's room where he would snort long lines off of the tank above the commode. He wore very dark glasses all the time and when asked about them, he claimed that he had just been to the eye doctor and had gotten eye drops. We asked about the glasses just to smile at his routine answer. But aside from sincere slime, Brian had special techniques for problem customers who kept on bitching and just wouldn't shut up.
One afternoon Brian was in the zone, taking “Special Services” complaint calls in the next room. These were the calls that everyone else was afraid to handle. Co-workers were in awe of Brian's ability to withstand day after day of threats and verbal abuse. He took it all in stride and saved his very special services for customers who refused to be talked down off of the ledge. A small group of us paused in our scurrying about to watch Brian hold court. He had a particularly nasty customer on the line and showed us just what to do when all else fails. Brian would take the handset from his phone and dangle it by the cord into a round metal trash can while spinning it in circles like a cowboy's lariat. The handset knocked the shit out of the inside of the trash can and made horrible, explosive noises. Periodically he would lift the phone and whisper to the customer “Boy, that storm is terrible! Do you hear that? Just terrible!” Then he would take the phone and turn a little volume dial on the handle up as high as it would go and hold the handset down on his Formica desktop. The sound would “loop” into a high-pitched scream like some woman being stabbed to death on a dark city street. Again, Brian would lift the phone to his lips, “terrible, just terrible”. That particular afternoon the Vice President of the company was in town and was passing by as Brian dripped his poisoned honey into a customer's ear. With a big smile, he gave Brian a hurried “thumbs-up” and an approving nod for his obvious sincerity as he whispered sympathetically to his customer.
I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard.
After Brian left the company, moving on to other things, I was promoted to the head of the Special Services department. Like Brian, I loved getting the tough calls and took pride in being able to handle anything. Mostly people just wanted to vent, and I was a good listener, always doing what I could to help make a bad situation better. No metal trash can or looping phones, but I did still blame everything on the airlines themselves.
Two years later I was filled with pride and knew that I had reached the pinnacle of my career with Special Services when the big gun, our top salesman from the New York City division announced to the owner and the president of the company: “Hugh Haller is the best liar in the business!”
Thanks Brian, to be the best you've got to learn from the best.
Two years later I was filled with pride and knew that I had reached the pinnacle of my career with Special Services when the big gun, our top salesman from the New York City division announced to the owner and the president of the company: “Hugh Haller is the best liar in the business!”
Thanks Brian, to be the best you've got to learn from the best.
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