Oh................Mygod! Amazing!

I’m being pushed to the edge and may be forced to break out the arsenal. In interviews afterward, my neighbors can say that I seemed like such a nice man, quiet, but always polite. Their quotes can run under headlines that shout:

“Local Man Goes Berserk, Couldn’t Take it Anymore”

Here’s my problem. On local Facebook sites that encourage people to post reviews of restaurants, or pretty much anything in town, posters don’t seem to understand that “amazing” tells me absolutely nothing. Please stop using that word by itself! When you tell me that your meal was “amazing”, I wonder: compared to what? Maybe you have only eaten Big Macs from McDonalds for your entire life and just found out that decent food is available in real restaurants? Maybe you are a special case and have lived your entire life eating nothing other than Hamster nuggets before entering an actual restaurant for the first time?

You tell me that last night’s sunset was “amazing”. Why? Because it provided a background for multiple alien ships landing at the end of your block? Amazing because even though you expected it to be red in color, it was bright green and looked like a giant picture of your Uncle’s Dentures?

How about taking “amazing” one step farther. “My meal was amazing! The scampi was extra buttery, loaded with fresh, local shrimp, cooked perfectly, heaped onto my favorite, angel hair pasta, al dante, with just the right touch garlic, and white wine!”

OK, now I’m listening.

Last week, a person posted their intention to move into town in another month or so. They were looking for recommendations for good Realtors. More than 135 people responded. Half of those replies said (Bill Jones or whatever the name was) is amazing! I thought “Oh God, here we go again” Why is he amazing? Because he has the world’s largest goiter on his neck and needs to push it in front of him in a baby stroller? Because you’ve never had a Realtor pick you up in an 18-wheel tanker truck marked “Caution, Contents Highly Corrosive” just to drive around neighborhoods and look at houses?

Please tell me why the Realtor was amazing. Can you give me a hint?

OK, you get the point. I’ll stop beating a dead horse…and move on to one more rant.

Would it be possible to make the expression “Oh……….mygod!” simply illegal? Please know that when you drop your mouth open upon seeing whatever it is that is causing you such awe, and you throw out the “OH” part, the longer you wait in silence before you drop the “mygod!” ending, that you are not building the suspense for dramatic effect. We all know how that phrase ends.

In my case, the longer you draw it out, the more likely it is that I’m going to intentionally drive over you with my car. Over and over.

Oh…………………………………………………….mygod!