I Was So Much Older Then, I'm Younger Than That Now...

 

2016,  Flagler Hospital ICU

In and out of consciousness, blood clots were doing their best to kill me. Pain from no longer having blood flow freely through my body, was excruciating. Everything was shutting down. Clots backed up at an IVC filter in my chest like traffic at the Mexican border. They stretched down into my legs which were swollen to twice their normal size and looked like they were going to split open. My kidneys, and everything else, were blinking out, as clots populated downward. Blocked traffic became a parking lot, no movement.

It was as if my life was on a dimmer switch and someone was turning it down, way down, until the light was almost out, and I had no control at all.

Although I had always assumed that I would live into my late 80’s or 90’s as my parents had, I was OK with the very real possibility of imminent death, but then every three hours a nurse came in and injected a dose of morphine into my drip line. The pain immediately drifted away as I floated above it all, untouchable.

No wonder some people become addicted to that stuff.

Even more comforting than the morphine though? Knowing that Carla was close by, working in the hospital and that either Ruth or Hannah were right there in the ICU room with me the whole time. They slept on the couch. That meant everything to me, even though I had told them not to come. “I’m in good hands and there is nothing more that you can do.” I said.

I was wrong.

All my life I’ve prided myself on being independent. A rock. I didn’t want to lean on anyone. I’ll take care of myself. It was fine for me to be the dad or husband, in charge, caring for my family, but not the other way around.

The whole experience changed me, opened me up. It’s been different since then. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s a two-way street, we give and take. I took care of them when they were young and now they can begin to return the favor. I’m fine with that. Ruth, Hannah or Carla can share driving duties, literally and figuratively. I’m happy to sit in the back seat. I don’t always have to be in charge.

The girls are beginning to understand that they’ve created a monster though. As it is with the dogs, it can be hard to get me out of the car.

I’ve learned that sometimes, the back seat is the most comfortable seat in the house.