Death is a
shadow cast by all living things, from their moment of creation to their end.
Where there is life, death follows. Neither one exists without the other.
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My friend
Clyde…
We walked
similar paths as English majors, sharing classes and a bit of a social culture
clash. Young Northern boys cloistered away in a Methodist college smaller than
the High School I graduated from, although still the biggest thing in that
little Alabama town, just a few miles South of the Tennessee border.
It was the
late 1960’s and the times were changing all around us, but it was still 1955 in
downtown Athens, Alabama.
Clyde and I
did four years there and then four more in a huge bachelor townhouse on the
side of a lake in Reston, Virginia. Crazy fun times, creating memories, stories
to tell ourselves and others for the rest of our lives.
I worked at
the local newspaper, Clyde started climbing the corporate ladder. He worked the
bell stand at a Marriott hotel in downtown Washington, D.C. He brought home
fistfuls of cash, recharging nightly as we all did, there at party central.
Adulthood
called, we resisted, but all things run their course.
Although he
and I occasionally touched base over the following 35 years, it wasn’t until
e-mail came along and then Facebook popped up that we truly reconnected.
Clyde had
fought his way up in the hospitality business, becoming the President of the
Days Inn Hotel chain, a big job that was his passion.
I went in
several directions with my career, never really knowing what I wanted to be
when I grew up. While Clyde was married to his career, his passion, I was
married to Carla, and our family.
They were my
passion.
We spoke of
our mutual love of good food and his appreciation of fine wine, mine of vodka, fine or otherwise.
Like many
brothers, we may not have spoken on a weekly basis, not even monthly, but we
could pick it up anywhere, anytime, unbroken.
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This picture of Clyde and Beth is from a college reunion we had ten years ago. They were telling a funny story about their “children”, twin Carin Terriers.
She was a
bright light, always in motion. Then one night she stayed too long in her ritual
bath. Clyde found her there, gone without warning or even a quick goodbye.
Sometimes
the shadow is like that. It has the last word.
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Carla and I
were supposed to meet Clyde in New Orleans for a three-day celebration of great
food and old times. He had lived there and knew every spot that wasn’t on the
tourist maps and had much better food than most that were. He was eager to show
us around his favorite spots. We agreed to meet sometime in the coming weeks.
The ball was in his court to free up the time.
Although I
was mildly surprised when he didn’t contact me to set a specific date, I knew
he stayed busy and there was plenty of time to get together when he got out
from under, so I didn’t pursue it.
Obviously
now, I wish I had.
When I
finally did hear from Clyde a few months later, it was by way of this e-mail
letter he sent out to 29 recipients:
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Dear
Friends,
I wanted to
give you a heads up on something very personal and ask your assistance.
Some months
ago I was diagnosed with early onset of dementia. It has progressed fairly
steadily since then. I have had to resign from my consulting assignments some
six months ago. And lately my SCORE volunteer work.
I have tried
to conceal this (my apologies), I think relatively successfully except to my
clients, as long as I could, but I no longer can.
My Mother
and her sister both died of dementia/ Alzheimer’s. Having witnessed all of that
pain in the end of their lives... and what our families went through over
months... years.. I resolved long ago that I would not go down that road; nor
would I do that to my family. Lord knows, they have suffered way too much from
this disease.
Unfortunately,
there is also a significant incidence of depression in our family which is a
contributing factor in my case, according to the docs.
And so
tonight I have ended my life.
My request
of you is that you please inform our mutual friends who are not on this
message. I don’t have emails for everyone. I just don’t want friends to think I
am ignoring them. There will be no funeral or celebrations, so no urgency.
No
regrets... I was blessed with a great, great life: Wonderful family, incredible
loves, great friends, exciting career, world travel, fascinating
experiences..... all good.
Thank you so
much for our friendship and so many wonderful times together.
And I want
it ended on that note. And so it shall be.
Love to you
all.
As was true
with most of his life, Clyde chose to make the end happen on his own terms.
In the end,
this isn’t just about my friend, Clyde, of course, it is about all of us.
I’ve managed to dismiss the memory of this whenever it came to me. A year even makes it more... final. It hurts... at least until I remember a few dozen funny “how about the time...” stories I begin to tell him out loud, and he chimes in with punchlines delivered like a perfect nightcap.
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RIP, my
friend, hope to see you again...not today though, I'm pretty busy and just
can't free up the time.
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