If I Turn Into That Guy...

If I turn into “that guy” ...you know, the guy or lady in the grocery store, who stops their cart in the middle of the isle, neither left nor right, oblivious to the fact that people traffic is trying to go up and down both sides, most of us programmed to stick to the right... They weren’t allowing access for others to pass, they picked dead center. Apparently it never crossed their minds that someone, or several someone’s, may be behind them and want to get by. Carts parked in the center, backs, asses, and elbows on both sides, studying, evaluating, meditating, over a can of crushed tomatoes on one side, and some Mac and cheese on the other. Of course I can speak up, to whatever degree, but that's not the point.

I swear right now; I'm not going to turn into those people.

It was worse at the entrance to the store. Two older ladies had pulled their carts out of the horizontal stack, and met in the middle of the doorway. Past friends, seemingly engaged in an over-the-top love fest of “when was it” “low long” “we need to” ...lots of gushing. Those of us who were trying to enter started to stack up. I'm sorry to be so negative, but just how fucking clueless can people be? It was the fucking entrance to the store!

I bet a nice stun grenade would clear a path.

Then there was the older lady in the express check-out lane. you know, ten items or less. Her purse was the size of most carry-on luggage, and she wasn't sure where she hid her wallet in there. After digging for what seemed like an eternity, she found it in a small compartment, inside a larger compartment. Apparently she was out of cash and didn't really know how to use her credit card properly so she had to write a check. Where is that checkbook anyway? Two forms of ID please. She produced the necessary check and IDs in excruciatingly slow motion as I wallowed in evil thoughts and an urgent need to pee. When all of her transactions were completed and paid for, the lady in question couldn't simply push her cart out of the way and put all her checks and IDs back in their respective holders elsewhere so the express lane could move again. No, she had to do all it at the register, just to make sure that she held the bottleneck tight for as long as humanly possible.

I've never beaten an old lady (she was probably my age, everyone my age looks old to me) but I can definitely understand the attraction and entertained myself with that fantasy until she was done.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel better, venting and all, but still, if I turn into that guy, or maybe pull a Bruce Jenner and turn into that woman, please humanely euthanize me.

Print out this post and consider it to be my permission slip.