An open letter to the good folks at Polyvinyl Films, manufacturer of “stretch-tite” plastic food wrap:

Gentlemen...Be aware that over the years I've had a less than harmonious relationship with plastic food wrap in general. No offense to you personally, but unrolling just the right length of wrap and cutting it cleanly has proven problematic, often, frankly, frustrating beyond reason. The wrap sucks itself back onto the roll and hides the seam. Or it tears and comes out in stretched, distorted, shapes. Sometimes it doesn't stick, not even a little bit, dammit. But mostly? The cutting mechanism doesn't work properly or doesn't work at all. More than upsetting.

I'm always switching brands, looking for the Holy Grail of plastic wraps...one that works perfectly and allows me to live a happy and fulfilling life.

So it was with a mixture of excitement and skepticism that I opened my new box of “stretch-tite” that I bought at my friendly, neighborhood Publix grocery store. Ignoring the fact that I am not charmed by intentionally misspelled names in a lame attempt to win the cute vote. You know, “Krispy Kreme” stuff. I went for it anyway. The instructions said: “Break perforation here and bend back” and I did, pulling out a big crumpled mess of wrap that immediately stuck to itself like a snake dipped in crazy glue. I tried to tear it off, ripping it against the cardboard teeth. No luck. And then I just went ballistic, wrestling with that anaconda knot of wrap that loved only itself. I wanted to smash things, do damage, go full tantrum right in my own kitchen. It's like road rage...a surprising, flash flood of anger and an instant lust for violence. Taking a deep breath before I smashed everything within ten feet, I looked at the top of the “Stretch-tite” box and read: “See bottom of box for directions” which I did. It seems that in my haste, I had failed to complete step two. After I did so, the plastic wrap was perfect...it stayed neat and ready to unroll, did so smoothly and cut cleanly at exactly the right spot.

It's funny how I had let my assumptions fill the gap left open by my ignorance. I thought I was done after step one and allowed my past experience with plastic wrap to push me into dark thoughts and childishly destructive behavior. I was surprised by the out-of-proportion violence I had felt just moments before, when I was humiliated by the directions on a box of plastic wrap. A lesson learned. corned astronaut lady to the headquarters of Polyvinyl Films, Inc. for a bit of random retribution 
Next time I will take a deep breath, slow down, and try a different approach before I automatically reach for my guns.

But that's next time. Right now this new camera isn't uploading my pictures to the fucking laptop the way it's supposed to and it's really starting to royally piss me off...