"Behind every great man there is a surprised
woman." Maryon Pearson
Henry Higggins: “Why
can't a woman be more like a man?”
Jack Nicholson as a writer in “As good as it gets”: Asked: “How
do you write women so well?” Nicholson: “I think of a man and I take away
reason and accountability.”
"As long as you know most men are like children, you
know everything." CoCo Chanel
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Babies learn the difference right away. Mom is the nurturer
24/7. She’s the grocery store as well. Dad seems like a nice enough guy but he
refuses to be nursed. Mostly he just holds you high up in the air over his head
while grinning like a fool and making stupid noises like Curly did with Moe.
We’re dogs and cats. Equal but different. Men know we’re not
equal, but we like to pretend that we are. Women are stronger and have more
common sense.
Certainly, we’re wired very differently. A prominent
psychologist offered a visual representation of a man’s brain and a woman’s
brain. It showed the man’s brain as a wooden chest with many little drawers that
he opens as needed to deal with an issue and close back up it when done. The woman’s
brain is like a big mass of wires, everything is connected to everything, no
little drawers to close and be done with it.
For women, some issues last forever.
It’s a bit that way in conversation too. When I get home
from work, I may say: “I saw an old friend today. Remember Ted? He’s really looking
great after losing all that weight!”
In Carla speak that is: “I was shopping at Goodwill, looking
for…and guess who I ran into?...You remember Denise? She’s the one who had that
operation…. whose brother used to ….remember she had that little dog that
could…I saw an old red Toyota pull into the parking lot and I immediately
thought about Denise! It’s amazing how…she is working now down by…her boss used
to live with… guess where that guy is now? I think he once dated…she was the
one at the daycare who said…”Etc, etc, etc, the story goes on forever.
Everything is connected, no drawer is ever closed.
I really want to scream: WHAT IS YOUR POINT? I DON’T
KNOW OR GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT Denise or ANY OF THESE PEOPLE!” Thoughts of humane euthanasia run through my
head as she drones on.
It could be for her or for me, doesn’t matter.
I just want it to stop.
Then there is that joke about how to please a woman. You
know, just listen, don’t try to solve the problem, just sit there quietly and bite your
lip as you think of obvious solutions that you better not verbalize. Be
sympathetic. Hold her. Be gentle and understanding.
How to please a man? Show up naked. Bring beer.
Simple, right?
Dogs and cats
Men need to feel like they are in charge. That’s why we’ll
drive hundreds of miles into the wrong damn state before we would ask
directions. Fortunately, Siri or Alexa help prevent that from happening these days.
Funny how they’re both women.
Men don’t ever want to admit weakness or fear, which is itself
a weakness and a fear. Women share that stuff with each other in exhausting
detail. TMI!
We all know that if a guy needs something in a store, he
goes into the store, directly to that item, buys it, and immediately walks back
out. My wife doesn’t even need to have an excuse, she’ll just go into a store
to touch and smell every item in there. Every item. If we’re together, I’m
constantly saying: “You don’t have to pick that up. I can see it.”
But she does have to pick it up.
When I was doing my thing on a treadmill at the gym the
other morning morning, I saw Bob and Pat pull up outside. We’ve shared a similar
morning routine for years. Bob got on the treadmill next to me and we greeted
each other “Good Morning!” we both put in our earphones and zoned out for 25
minutes. Bob’s wife, Pat, got on the treadmill to my right, started talking to
Caroline on the treadmill next to her, and never stopped talking. Twenty minutes
later, the women were still jabbering away when Caroline finished up, cleaned her
machine and walked off. Another lady immediately got on the same treadmill. Pat
started talking to her and they were both still going strong when I left.
There was unbroken continuity in Pat’s diatribe, any lady on the treadmill next to her would do.
Gender even affects the way we eat. Men want a full slab of BBQ
ribs, not many women do. Women want a healthy salad, most men don’t crave that so much...unless it comes with a big slab of BBQ ribs.
A few basics:
Women want to talk it out after a hard day at work. Men want the
exact opposite.
Women need to feel it, men need to solve it.
Men are attracted to youth & beauty. Women are attracted
to status.
A man will give comfort and companionship in order to get
sex, a woman will give sex in order to get comfort and companionship.
When a man and woman walk down the street and an attractive
female passes by, the woman looks at the other woman’s clothes, the man
mentally looks through the other woman’s clothes.
A guy marries his girlfriend hoping that she’ll never
change. The woman marries the guy thinking she can change him.
The list of differences is endless. Cats and dogs.
There’s a popular You Tube video that shows a cat riding a
Roomba. Sitting up tall and regal, she glides over by the goofy dog in his bed.
Dog gets up, eager to play, cat floats by, swats the dog’s face, and glides off
in an orbit that will soon bring her back for a repeat performance. The dog is
surprised and offended every time. What did I do? He wonders. the cat is thinking: "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
Here comes the
Cat on the Roomba again… dog stands up, all goofy and hoping to play.
He hasn’t learned a damn thing in the last 38 times the cat
has guided by. The cat looks serious and somber, but I know she is laughing
inside.
Metaphorically, Carla has been riding that Roomba for a very
long time and, of course, I’m always eager to play.
Go figure.
